Didn't Plan On That

It's 2006 and I’m in 7th grade at Henry D. Perry Middle School in Miramar, Florida, it's humid like always and the cafeteria is deafening  and if you were to hover above us it would look like a sea of blue plaid thanks to our outdated uniforms. When it's lunch time you sit with your class, it’s not quite like highschool yet. I’ve got the mystery lasagna luke warm on my plate and as I take a seat with my classmates, I notice everyone is antsy, animated and eager to see something that is making its way underneath the table. I hear the sound of crumpled paper and giggles following, I get hold of the paper but I don't laugh I’m confused, I’ve never seen this before, I look and ask “ What is this?’ and the girl next to me chuckles in response “They’re having sex.” Someone from my class printed out pornographic photos of a couple having sex which she found online. This was the first time I’ve ever seen what sex looks like, this was the first I ever seen a man's private parts, this was the first time I saw something I knew was private, something people kept behind closed doors, something people kept quiet about.  It was here at my lunch table being displayed for all to see. Let’s just say I didn’t finish my lasagna that day.

Fast forward to 2011 I’m in 12th grade at Hallandale Beach High in Hallandale, Florida. I’m not the same awkward middle schooler or maybe that’s what I keep telling myself. I was definitely a late bloomer in high school by 12th grade braces were off, I learned how to gel my curls and I stopped taking fashion advice from my mom.(P.S Momma, I love you.) By 12th grade, all of my friends have had at least had one boyfriend, which means they've either lost their virginity or got pretty close to it. Here I am again in the school cafeteria listening to their stories amongst the whole clutter of life in high school, of life in general as a teenager. I’ve already had my first kiss but Anjelica’s score board of boyfriends is one big fat zero, this year that was going to change.

I’m almost done with my final year of highschool, I’ve been accepted into my dream college  and guess what it's all the way in New York City!  oh yeah and I’ve got a boyfriend! He’s older than me, has a car and knows it all. My parents say it puppy love but I know were meant to be. I’ve also got my learners permit, I get to drive every time my mom or dad are in the car. So it’s a typical sunday evening and mom needs to pick up a few things from the grocery store I run to grab the keys and shout ‘I’m driving!’ we get in the car  and I’m checking my mirrors and stopping 3 feet away from every car. My mom turns to me and asks ‘Anjie are you having sex?’, my heart practically falls to the pit of my stomach and I’m pretty sure I stopped breathing. My mind is racing with the endless possibilities of how I’m going to answer this question. I even forget that I was driving at that point, I turn to my mom and with my lips barely moving I manage to push out a ‘Yes.’

That day I left the grocery store with a few extra things we both didn’t plan on buying.

I’m sharing these stories because I know we all have one. I didn’t grow up in a christian home and my parents made ‘the talk’ so awkward, so without even knowing I let the world and my partner tell me what sex was, what it meant and the role that I played in it. For so long I let my environment create foundational pillars and stigmas around sex and all of it stuck with me.  However I encountered God that summer I moved to New York City. The creator of heaven and earth, the creator of sex. He began a working progress of endless healing in my heart and in my mind. In the bible it describes sex as two becoming one flesh {Mark 10:8} I don’t know about you but when I had sex with my partner it was as if a part of me is forever with him, a connection something so tangible, something you can’t see or touch but you know it’s there.

How do I get that back?

Will I ever get that part of me back?

Having sex before marriage didn’t disqualify me from the call of God on my life. I am not tainted, I am not a throw away doll. But I did need to go back to square one, you can always go back to square one.

& That’s knowing that

one; you are a child of God

two; you are fearfully and wonderfully made

three; you are loved.

Today I wait, I’m 25 and I’m saving sex for marriage. It’s not a religious duty but a daily reminder to honor God with my body, to give sex within marriage the proper value it deserves, and to walk in obedience in His word. Where ever it is that you find yourself in these stories I want you to know that you are not alone and that if God can find and heal a girl like me, He will do it for you. I promise he will do it for you.

Thank you.

Anjelica Recio