9:36 AM 3/15/18
“Hey Beautiful – I want to take you to dinner and a show.
*3 Red Balloon Emoji.*”
I met him sometime in October and everything came to a screeching halt when I let him kiss me. If I’d been searching for a feeling my whole life, I found it in that kiss. I’m mad because cartoon Cinderella really screwed up my perception of things. You know when the Prince kisses her and the magical wind-dust whirls around them? The comparison is wildly corny but that’s exactly how I would’ve described that kiss. We shared a connection and it was too deep. Recognizing those feelings I had for him made me panic and want to shut down whatever this was. I had unlocked the deepest parts of my mental and emotional state and let him right inside. The feeling was so wild that it jolted me back to the fact that this guy did not know Jesus and I had committed to myself I was not going to date anyone else, anymore who did not have the same foundation as me but why did I feel like this about someone who I knew was wrong for me?
Days later he wrote me an email (lol) because I wouldn’t meet up with him and I wasn’t answering the phone. That email made my heart hurt. He was offering everything I ever wanted materially and to treat me better than I could have ever imagined. But Cubic Zirconium isn’t a real diamond, HELLO. I responded to him, “Don’t call me, don’t text me and if you need anything from the brand I work for you can find it somewhere else in the city.” Yeah. Cut him out like that. Or so I thought.
Months later he texted me. I responded. This time I laid it all out on the table. If we were going to be together then this is what mattered the most to me, my relationship with the Lord. I told him about who Jesus was to me. Now mind you, I’m really not one to do this with guys. But I figured if I had spent the past few months thinking about him and re-living in my head every moment he and I had together – even after I told him to leave me alone...this conversation could be a turning point. He gave me a good answer but not the right answer. So for a second time, I tried shutting the door to him. He was so upset. He couldn’t understand what he was doing wrong but I just didn’t know how else to a). say no and b). explain my standards any clearer than I already had. I was fighting for my identity and for my value. I couldn’t get it from him that was clear now; so I forced the door closed, putting my standards over my feelings. This choice sucks, btw.
Even after all this he would still hit me up, I think he knew I was at war with myself. I wanted to say yes to him but saying yes would compromise what I believe in. I’d still respond to him because for the sake of brutal honesty, this attention was nice. Yes, to clarify how backwards it is: the attention from the guy I keep having dramatic breakups with I am still returning to and entertaining him and what he has to offer. This brings us to the text at the beginning. I had a novel of messages from him following that text and as I read them I felt influenced again. I thought “He’s finally worn me down. I’m frustrated and done waiting for the right person that is supposedly out there and this guy is so persistent even after all this time. He wants me. Who else really wants me this bad? He’s not a bad person, we just don’t have the same values. This could change. People change. He really loves me so he’d probably come around to church like at least once.”
I set my phone down to give my eyes a break from his words and instantly I thought of the story in the Bible of Eve with the serpent in the garden. The serpent’s words of “Did God really say…” The questioning His goodness and His plans for Eve’s life, that – that I knew was me, I was questioning. From that story I know what happened when Eve believed the lie that God wasn’t good. If you haven’t read it, you should (Genesis 3). I don’t want to end up like Eve, I don’t want to trade in the “hope and the future” God has for me (Jeremiah 29) just so I can feel physically and emotionally fulfilled by this guy who at the end of the day, is not concerned with what matters to me but instead concerned about how I can fulfill him.
All that to say, hear these words from a chick who just hit that red “block contact” button. I’m not writing you from the stage where “God brought me my dream guy and this is my story and it was all worth the wait.” I’m writing you fresh out the ring with my hands still wrapped and my heart still bleeding. My identity in Christ matters more than this guy that I am sure of. Your identity as a daughter of the King matters more than what any guy can offer you or make you feel. We can trust that there is someone who will be a game changer for us. We need only to wait and be patient and ask anyone who knows me – I suck at being patient. I’m the worst at it. But I’m with you. I’m in this. I’m not compromising anymore.
Also no real shade to my childhood fave – Cinderella. Sis had to wait a hell of a long time too so I guess maybe the magic really does come from the waiting.